Shocking! New Urban-Safari Craze Decimates Local Wildlife

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Captured in the wild. Forced from their habitats into cramped enclosures. Trained to fight in a deadly blood sport.

Studies conducted at the Saffron City’s Silph Company have found that removing Pokémon from their habitats disrupts food chains and shatters delicate ecosystems. As insatiable trainers hunt for new and more powerful Pokémon to add to their collections, captured apex predators like Arcaines, Primeapes, and Alakazams are leaving prey species to multiply unchecked. Trainers have taken to social media to note the overwhelming presence of weak, unpopular Pokémon like Rattatas, Zubats, and Pidgeys crossing their paths, much to their irritation and disgust.

But just like the rare and beautiful species, these common Pokémon are essential to maintaining balance in Pokémon populations. And they too are being removed from the ecosystem at an alarming, unprecedented rate as trainers claim they “gotta catch ’em all.”

Pokémon have lived alongside us for over two decades, but recent advances in capturing technology has caused this once obscure blood sport’s popularity to rise astronomically in recent days.

Indeed, Lauren, you are among a quickly diminishing population who has yet to succumb to the lure of capturing Pokémon and the false promise of glory from gym battles. Visit any public park, walk down any city street, and you’ll find aspiring trainers hunting Pokémon.

But make no mistake, behind their cute visages and powerful moves lies a sinister truth. New, ignorant trainers questing to become the very best, like no one ever was, are causing untold devastation on the Poké environment.

Silph Company’s new research indicates that @AlsoNamedPhil is probably right.

Trainers, we implore you, put down your Poké Balls! Pokémon are wild animals. They are not for entertainment. They are not warriors to feed your egos. They are not commodities to be traded. Those who truly love Pokémon know there’s no comparison for a Pokémon left free in its wild habitat!

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Although Pokémon are, in fact, just digital creatures and loads of fun to catch and train, there are real life Pokémon, wild animals, that suffer from humanity’s desire to “catch ’em all.” Poachers take wild animals out of their habitats and sell their body parts on the black market, treating magnificent creatures like elephants, lions, and rhinoceroses as commodities. Trophy hunters kill these same animals and make prizes of the animal’s remains to inflate their microscopic egos.

As you’re out there catching and training on your way to becoming a true Pokémon Master, please don’t forget about the many amazing, imperiled species with whom we must share planet Earth.

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Will S. is a left-handed bibliophile who now owns a cherry-red Schwinn Traveler III. On summer afternoons you can almost see his vermilion shadow passing you at great speeds.